Goldish's Three Rules

  The great philosopher Goldish has just discovered three fundamental truths of the universe which are far more relevant to most people than the three laws of thermodynamics.

  1. Babies make you popular.
  
  Example: You are arriving at a party and people are milling around not doing much.  You walk in with your five-month old son in your arms.  Suddenly, you will find yourself  besieged by guests,
serenaded by comments like "He's SO CUTE!" and "Goo goo goo goo"!  Babies are a sure way to enhance your popularity.

  2. Pets make you popular.

  Example: On the show Beauty and the Geek, Mr. Pocket Protector has absolutely no luck tryin to pick up girls.
He has no reason to worry -- the host is about to provide him with Cassandra, a cat who has been spayed or neutered at the request of Bob Barker.  Imagine the chaos when about 8 gorgeous women start clustering around him simply because he's carrying a cat.  Who's going to be petted more?  Who's going to be purring more?

  3. Food makes you popular.

Example: At a college party, people are sitting around waiting for the pizza to arrive.  The door opens, and a guy comes in carrying pizza boxes.  Pay close attention, and you will notice that the people start clustering around the guy BEFORE he puts the pizza boxes down.  Goldish's Third Rule is also responsible for the prevalence of restaurants and other food service establishments.  It is also responsible for the traditional synagogue practice where the worshiper comes in at the very end of the service to sample the snacks at the Kiddush, the ceremonial snack/meal after the service.  God?  Naaahh.  Food?  Yeah!

  And of course the corollary:

  To become extremely popular, carry around puppy food.    This will draw juvenile dogs according to Goldish's Third Rule.  Once the juvenile dogs arrive, you will have both a baby AND a pet in your arms at the same time!